The Algebra of Our Future(s)

[to my friends and their unachievable dreams...]

The plans for my future ambitions can be summed up in three equations =

My father’s dreams for me = be a magistrate in Pasir Mas, Kelantan after graduation then rise to be the first female Chief Justice of the Federal Court

My true dreams without the ‘financial fear’ = further my studies overseas after graduation in Politics and Literature and become a writer

The most probable to happen in reality = Ruby Jusoh, the practicing lawyer in a lavish private firm somewhere in Kuala Lumpur

I notice that most of us carry the burden of having three ambitions within ourselves – one which our parents have always hoped for, the second one which is the most probable to happen to us and the third one which we always dream about in our own private fantasy time. The last one was also the most impossible. And we’ve known it all along.

If I ever have the chance to kickstart my life all over again without any financial fears, I would like to attend college and study literature. Some minor courses in painting sound great as well. I want to have a job that provides me a wide space of creative exploration. Writing, painting, working in an artistic industry – it all sounds so passionate and thrilling I’m going to die. Yet, coming into reality, such ambition in Malaysia is rarely achieved.

How the hell are we to escape from the trap, then? Guess there’s not really a way out either.

As much as I love literature and creative writing, reading law was wholly based on my own decision. It was due to the need to save my ass from studying medicine. Being the normal Malaysian parents that they were, both my father and mother so badly wanted me to be a doctor. It was their hugest dream. What is this problem with typical Malaysian parents and their dreams of having doctors in the family? I tried to deviate my path from their control but it didn’t work - I was fifteen when I told them that I wished to drop the biology subject in school so that I could take up drawing and they ended up crying [literally, man, no kidding!]. We were in cold war for two days with me putting up the white flag and surrendering. There I was, sacrificing myself into the tiger’s cave of learning medicine. It was then that I knew I was in trouble. And it was then that I met Law. It was the best alternative I could grab my hands on. After brainwashing my parents for many months into believing that my destiny is not in surgery but in the legal world, they consented. I was already sure of my legal destiny two months before I sat for my SPM. My ass was saved. Even though literature is my true love, but law is my saviour. My saviour, big time!

In Malaysia, for most families, parents rule their children’s lives. They may have spoken of the wish to only see their children happy but it is a very well known fact that once the parents have made their decision on any matter in the children’s lives, going against them is close to impossibility. There are many risks to be considered if one chooses to have an absolute independent stance in making their own decisions – money, connections, familial love and eternal condemnation from the relatives. Therefore, most youths prefer to play it safe and just continue on living their parents’ fantasy of which the youths themselves have no sincere wish to be in. Our mental attitude is simple – as long as they provide us money to feed ourselves and our shopping habits and our education, we’ll live.

Live? The question of living, in truth, is quite out of the scope here. The real question of which should be posed to the younger generation today is HOW DO THEY WANT TO LIVE THEIR LIVES?

However, at the end of the day, the issue of money would always come first. Who are we to decide on how we should live if we are not the one who’s paying for it? I see a dilemma there.

In my case, my father’s money is the most important thing in my life, technically. I depend on him financially in an absolute manner. I get all the luxuries that I wanted – car, iPod, expensive books from Kinokuniya and MpH, clothes, a bedroom of my own, weekly allowances, everything – from him. As a price in return, I try my best to excel academically in my major [yes, people, that is the main reason why I study my ass off in every semester to get into that damn annoying Dean’s List]. I believe we share a quite functional give and take relationship. My inner morality has often disallowed me to press on my own will in deciding my own future due to the fact that he has made me a relatively secured girl with no money problems to worry about. There is an obligation owed by me to him; being my financial provider.

Such arrangements in life has led me to wonder quite a few times – if had I insisted on pursuing literature, would my father fund me the way he does now? Or would he cut me off and use money as a bet to bring me back to his preferred path? The answer would most likely be the latter.

Is it still possible to make our own decisions but applying them using our parents’ money? Is there any price to pay being the child of someone whom you receive the burden of achieving their dreams and targets? Is that what our higher education system is all about? We are here because of our parents. Given the chance of us pursuing our own dreams, would we actually, honestly, sincerely major in law?

A number of my friends had other plans before surrendering themselves to their forced destiny in law – two wanted to be engineers, others a doctor, musician, taekwondo coach and a tourism officer. Me – a writer.

Why are we such cowards in the matter of shaping our own destiny?

Being in the nature of being able to secure me a good financial income and social standing, I chose law because it has something that my father and I badly want. I am very much interested in the legal field, I love politics, I love to read about social issues and most importantly, I love to talk. As for my father, it’s all about the glitz and glamour about being a lawyer or a judge. Reading law was one of his unachieved dreams in life, diminished by his lack of proficiency in the English language in the past.

However, is that what parental love has become? We give them our future, they give us money – simple. In order to live with their money, there’s a price to pay. Me myself, I have the mindset that since my parents have sacrificed so much for me – their money, their time, their energy – in giving me a pretty much financially stable upbringing, I have always considered it reasonable for me to make them proud and happy. Of course it is a very good feeling but deep down inside me, I do wonder, what about what I want? What about my own satisfaction? But then again, such thoughts always come with a cost. If make myself happy, what will I get? I am not going to get an iPod, for sure, and a car – basically I will get nothing. Why? Because I don’t have money to keep myself independent. I am still very much dependant on my father.

I named the problem the ‘financial fear’. We are afraid of not having money to live. Having a part-time job and self-funding one’s own education applies only to the very few courageous of us – others? We choose to live in the safe comfort of our parents’ financial protection. We don’t even dare to break the shell that has been shielding us from the outside threats of being penniless. What are we without our parents and their money? You can answer that question yourself as I did mine.

When it comes to the matter of family as a unit, it is always hard for individualism to be achieved. Is it compulsory for one to sacrifice his or her family values in order to be independent-minded and individualistic? I like having those two traits even though sometimes the pressure from the surrounding society does get to me. But overall, I prefer to act based on what I think is right and rational. However, family – there are times when they think that they know us better than we do ourselves. Being the elders, they think they know everything about life. They wish only for us to be safe – that is the main excuse used by them to dictate our decision-making power. And we, being the obedient Malaysian children that we are, often succumbed to their ‘indirect’ orders.

They’re the parents, the fathers, the mothers, the providers, the protectors – they are just simply the family.

So will I be a judge then? Yes. Absolutely. It’s written in my destiny. Or so my father says.

Good luck on your future as well.

Whichever version it is.