Emotional Drain

[to all the haters, lovers and everything in between...]

Can someone get tired emotionally?

I believe they can. I believe most of my friends have had such experience at least once in their life. You spend your time thinking so much about something until you get sick of it. It happens all the time. It involves a lot of feelings. But never the positive one. If you're happy about someone, then you never get tired of it. Bored maybe, but never tired. However, if you happen to hate that someone, there is like a time limit that only waits for you to explode yourself up due to the hatred - ticking, ticking and ticking. Then BOOM! - you're destroyed, shattered to pieces.

Hatred is indeed the most powerful emotion on earth. Not happiness. Happiness makes you happy and content whereas hatred - do you even want me to start explaining? It makes us angry and unstable. Our emotions are constantly stirred by the cause of such hatred. The picture of hating is ugly. Of course we are able to live with that for a while but after many months passed, such intensity would soon drain our energy away.

I have lots of reason to hate currently. It has been going on for a while. Like most people, I also have unsolved conflicts in my life – family, friends and myself. But I dare say the most challenging one to be solved is the one inside me. Yes, my main problem in life is myself. I have so many feelings to be expressed, to be hidden and to be balanced. Why can’t I choose to live a simple life? Simple desires, simple routines and simple ambitions. People would generally keep trying to involve themselves in complicated circles that left them dumbfounded and crushed – it is a part of the human tendency. We are always inclined to approach anything attractive notwithstanding the harms it may cause.

I hate you but I don’t really hate you at all. I like you but sometimes you can be such a bastard/bitch. I don’t feel anything towards you but I heard many people hate you so I might just save the energy of getting to know you and hate you as well. So many things people say with so little truth in it.

I did not realize all this until a few of my good friends advised that the feelings of hatred inside me would end up consuming me. How true can that be? Very true indeed, when I look back at all that has been happening.

Hatred has been a part of me since I was a teenager when my family problems began appearing. I used to hate everything – my body, my failing grades, even my family situation. It was not until I entered college that I realized that it was not worth the time to fill my heart with hatred. Those many years I wasted. I still could not believe that I could be that foolish to only worry about myself. Thus, I began loving life. I am the coolest person I ever knew in my life [I know that’s vain but yeah!] I began appreciating life in different aspects – I’m alive, healthy, financially stable, quite intelligent in my own way though I say so myself, have great friends and understanding family though they can be troublesome sometimes – all in all, I have many great things to be appreciated.

I love life. Maybe that is when I usually get bored with the notion of loving life. I needed some drama. I needed a few drips of the so-called intensity. “Spice up you life!” or so people say.

It was my fault. I was the one who entered the door of hatred and involved myself in it.

Hatred - it is like a circle. It is, for me, a choice. You can choose to enter that circle and you may not. You can choose to involve yourself in the very tiring process of hating someone and you may not. Hate someone? Why do other people hate other people? It is actually an involuntary action from you side that holds you back from moving on with life in a rational manner. It takes away your common sense. You become concentrated in that hatred and would soon be consumed by it. And after that long long while, you’d look back and wonder – Wow, what a piece of shit I had involved myself in!

Damn. I spent the entire year getting involved in that circle and look at where it got me.

Emotional drain. Instability.

Peace and quiet, please come back to my life.

Common sense, don’t go away.

Goodbye, hatred. Don’t bug my life any longer.