Face of A Disappointed Hope

We waited around ten minutes before we were invited in. he just appeared on my right and i startled. "sir," i greeted and bowed. the two of us entered his office. it was was warm. the aircond was not switched on, only the standing fan was moving. cess, panas ni! the three of us were uncomfortable with the temperature, but kept quiet about it, dared not to complain. him being there, willing to spare us some time was a great enough thing.

so we sat at the couch. my friends kept smiling. and we started talking. the consultation-turned-discussion-turned-lessons for life begins now...

elections n elections. i did some internet research on it prior our meeting only to discover that it is a neverending fight to apply the best system in our country. we go round and round discussing about solutions - how to improve it - but we ourselves realize that it would involve more than just law. it's about the political background of the country, the racial diversity and manipulation and the culturally entrenched surrounding.

i began to understand that politics in Malaysia - legally related or not - remain an almost impossible thing to be reformed unless with very committed and dedicated effort.

many times he rested his hand on his chin and looked outside the window which had a beautiful view of the whole town. he seemed a bit sad and disappointed. with what? i had no idea. the hopelessness, i assume, of the situation we're in. though he sounded tired, he talked a lot. had many opinions, most of them his real experiences.

we didn't interrupt him much. we talked about our purpose of coming there in every ten minutes but mostly, we serve as his loyal listeners. when was the last time he had a group of youngsters to talk to? i really wondered. my friends had no objection at all. we sat there, being students and he sat opposite us, being an educator. it was education at its best.

he commented on education, society, politics, and our future. "work hard," he said, "and you'll get recognition."

there's a price to pay for stability - democracy. but really, who would care of democracy as long as people live in peace?

it got me thinking. i have always been an idealistic girl. so supportive of constitutionalism. freedom is everything. democracy is a must in all countries. but really - when we have a comfortable life - enough food to live on, sheltered with no security threats - would we risk that all for the sake of idealism? are we in need of more trouble in our life by insisting on our ideologies?

from the person i admire most in my intellectual side of life, he also becomes the mind i'm most intrigued with. is he supportive of the current system or not? or perhaps, he is just stuck in between, in dilemma of not being able to provide any significant change? he tried, surely, but as a student myself, i have felt that the system i'm in right now neither makes one passionate or happy in the pursuance of our future.

he's old. too bad that i live in an era where he still teaches, but not much anymore. and that 'much' doesn't include teaching me. surely, i miss lots of things. important things i would've loved.. not blaming destiny but i do admit to myself once in a while, i tend to ponder of this great loss i have to live with for the rest of my life. 

the 'CURRENT SYSTEM' remains stagnant, stabile with not much rush and adrenaline going on. it's peaceful and that is supposed to be enough. adventure is unnecessary. we are supposed to be grateful. that is why people stay passive. they don't fight for ideas and live contently. 

but i'm not happy. i'm peaceful, well but i'm not happy. waking up in the morning, going to class - it ceases to be an exciting thing anymore. we are given lectures and being told to buy books to read. assignments to be done. cases to be read. i sighed and i sighed again and again. until i lost grip of my target.

after two years of being sure of what i want to be, i stop thinking about it. i don't want it anymore. i don't want to be a lawyer, that is for sure. now all those are left are judiciary and the academic field - judge or educator? i haven't sort it out yet. who knows perhaps someday i'll be a successful writer and would finally be able to escape from this stressful and competitive field where one worries constantly of another and rarely takes pleasure in life.

but i didn't talk about myself with him. i kept asking questions and the answers were always indefinite. the problems underlying the issues were much more severe and endless. that's why we kept diverting to other topics. it's impossible to talk about this matter theoretically since in real life, law depends more on humans and less on what is being written. too bad.

we left the office more than two hours later, mentally tired. my friend was glowing. "whoah, i finally found an educator i can really admire," she said. i looked at her cynically, "now you know." it was funny.

"welcome to the club of academically psychotic brains."

The only thing that keeps Ruby Jusoh going amidst the stagnant current system she's stuck in is her own backstage 'support system' - her friends and fellow 'lepakers'. 

life would be suicidal without them.