The Faith Argument

[i wrote this sometime around last year but somehow forgot to post it. it had been stuck inside my blog folder for many many months, rusting away like dust before i retrieved it back to life. haha. therefore, please be noted that my mindset when this was written was as a student in Part 3 - still very much in love with studies and knowlege and lengthy boring essay-like blog posts, unlike now... TT]

As Muslims, why do we pray five times a day?

Why do we cover our heads with headscarves?

Why aren’t we practicing free sex when the access to it is everywhere?

C’mon, man, you know that shit gives us immense pleasure, right?

Law & Philosophy is the subject I am most particularly fond of this semester due to its challenging and radical nature. I’ve always had an intellectual blast attending the classes. My educator, who is a very nice man in his mid-forties, is a humble dude with a modest nature. He is Islamic, I can see that from his personality but at the same time, he is very open-minded in accepting our opinions – be it liberal, conservative or just plain illogical. He’ll try to make sense out of our every word. He is calm in asking the students about our opinions and the same goes in answering our very curious inquiries as well.

Within the first two hours of class, he posed us the question of why do we pray five times a day.

I answered, “faith, sir.”

Wittingly, he replied, “don’t argue about faith with me. Tell me why you do it – those odd moves of bending you body ninety degrees to the floor and such.”

“It is what we believe in, sir,” I insisted, “We cannot really force what is already entrenched in our hearts.”

“Why is it entrenched in your heart? Religious backgrounds?”

Most students nodded.

“So religion does come into play here. So tell me – how can you be sure that you’d be burn in hell if you’re not a good Muslim?”

I tried my might to avoid the word ‘faith’ coming out of my mouth again so I ended up not saying anything. However, my mind could not stop circulating and I kept thinking – analyzing every aspects of my religious self which is not really religious. What is that thing that gives me unmoved confidence to believe in what I’m believing it?

Religion has been a huge part of me since I was born. And obviously my parents should be thanked for that – they are pretty good folks with a typical conservative idea of how to be a good Muslim. Pray, read Quran, fast, zakat, respect elders, no excessive contact among between opposite gender – the normal stuffs. I was raised in that background, trying my best to rebel in everything but failed. Then, after receiving my UPSR results, they decided to place me into an Islamic boarding school somewhere in Selangor.

I got really hypocrite then.

Being religious in that school is a ‘popular thing’. The easiest way for juniors to climb the ladder of ‘being known’ and ‘approved’ by the seniors is through showing how religious you can get – make sure you’re at the surau half an hour before the azan is heard, don’t pull up you headscarf up to your shoulder, don’t make eyes contact with boys, no perfume, no exposure of your body save for your palm and face, walk gracefully without any tip-tap noise. So many rules. So many rigidity. But I do realize that the school is trying their best to guide us to the right path the best way they can.

Therefore, my whole appearances of today are very much influenced by my three years of staying in that boarding school. The headscarf and long-sleeved shirt and all. I soon got used to it.

Appearances are the only thing I can find within myself to be the trace that I’ve attended an Islamic school before in some period of my life.

I was not much of a thinking girl until I turned fifteen. Thus, there was not much of an evolution going on in my head during that time. We were supposed to worry only about our grades and petty social issues such as why our friends were so bitchy and why were the new wardens as fierce as a group of hungry tigresses. I had yet to know the true meaning of ‘clashes of ideology’ when I was around thirteen. Indeed, I believe I had no ideologies whatsoever during that time of my life. It was after I left school that I got a bit philosophical by reading serious books. Reading is always a great tool to improve your knowledge and I’m glad I’m a reader.

And now I am almost twenty years old, reading law and have a quite clear picture of how religious I want to be in life.

Does faith consist of choice or does it not?

Can we choose to believe and can we choose not to?

And if we do, why?

[I know I’m asking too many rhetoric questions but please, just bear with it – I’m in a crazy self-questioning mood lately]

I dare say I am more of a spiritual person. I believe most people need to have some space of spirituality within themselves to keep their minds sane. It feels much more comforting having God with us. The issue of its truth depends on one’s own conscience, truthfully speaking. Some people are of the opinion that they feel God and some do not. We cannot really force that to happen. Is it a privilege, a right or is it just something that has already been inside you for so long, just waiting to be discovered the moment you decide to dig yourself up spiritually?

People call it by the name of ‘hidayah’ – some sort of enlightenment which caused you to feel the love, respect and dearness to the religion and God. It may be a slow continuous process or a sudden one – I don’t know as I am not much of an expert in this matter. But if you ask me do I believe in this, I’ll answer yes. Why? Because it happens. And because I do feel close to God at times deep inside my heart. And how do I know that it’s God and not just my psychology? Well, because I believe in it. As my former language lecturer would always say – “I believe in what I believe in.”

I am surrounded by mainly two types of very different people in my life every time when it comes to faith – the narrow-minded and the open-minded ones. The former being on the side of refusing to question anything concerning their belief – they accept what they are supposed to accept and that’s it. No question asked.

I could not accept that, truthfully. Believing something just because it would be sinful for you to do the opposite – what is that? We are not robots. I believe God gave us minds for us to think. To reason. To analyse. That is what makes us different from other beings. But somehow, every time we touch on the topic of religion and morality, some certain section of people would always be there to give us this rude stare as if we have committed the ultimate sin of all – questioning faith. Exploration of knowledge and one’s thinking has always been encouraged in religion. Then why the rude stares?

“There’s a certain limit to everything,” they’ve always said. Limits – aren’t they just lame excuses to keep us a bunch of narrow-minded people that we are? Why confine the abilities of your brain to function just because of this fear of stepping outside the box? Explore so that you can decide on who and what type of person you want to be. And then when the love and faith comes, it comes naturally. Out of your own choice and not due to any conformation to the stereotyping societies.

Just because people may have differing views on faith and morality doesn’t make them members of the wrong side of religion.

Just because she doesn’t wear headscarf, it does not mean that she is less religious than those who does.

Just because he/she appears to be a wild sociable person, that doesn’t mean that he/she doesn’t think about God in their minds.

Having a quite odd affection to our faith outside the ‘accepted norm’ does not make us dissenters.

The love for God does not come from other people’s judgements.

It comes from our hearts, instead. 

Ruby Jusoh misses the times where going to class was an excitement and learning with educators was pretty much a meeting of minds where everyone's viewpoint was duly considered and taken into account. she detests obedience if it comes with the price of surrendering our personalities and speaking out in what we believe in.