Me, Then

I have been reading my old posts lately, the earlier ones I posted in the blog before 2012. I read them again and again and ended up being surprised of how different I was back then. As a young(er) girl, I had so many ideas about life, could think with a greater degree of clarity and I sounded quite vivacious and aggressive, also a little bit more proactive about life compared to the person I am today.

I feel as if I am reading the writings of another person, another Ruby Jusoh whom I have not seen for a while. Perhaps that Ruby Jusoh moved somewhere or pursued her studies in the non-existent University of the Mind, to dig more deeper shits about life and come back to me to teach me how to live, again.

Dear the pre-2012 Ruby Jusoh, if you are still alive and kicking, please do come back soon.

Not that I dislike the current Ruby Jusoh. I like her. She's calmer, more matured, her train of thought - though not as idealistic - is able to look at things in a much bigger perspective. She is more acceptive towards the obstacles life has to offer her and is able to appreciate the things good, bad and everything in between. She is not as bitter as before and she tries less to force herself to be happy.

I would say, the current Ruby Jusoh is a tad bit more flexible.

But the pre-2012 Ruby Jusoh was fun. She laughed a lot more. She made many stupid mistakes, felt quite stupid over it. Things were unstable, unpredictable and crazy. She discovered herself quite early but struggled to accept the way things were. She was emotional, she constantly overreacted and was more expressive of her feelings. Was she stronger? I am not sure. Was she stronger than the current Ruby Jusoh? I am not sure, too. For the core of Ruby Jusoh remains the same. The core will always remain the core. The energy surrounding the core, supporting its lifeline may vary with time, yet the core stays.

What do I miss most about the pre-2012 Ruby Jusoh? Based on what I've been reading, I miss that she thought she was the smartest person on earth. She came up with all these ideas about life and posted them here - how to deal with problems, how to learn how to love your parents, how to deal with heartbreaks - everything. Instead of accepting things the way they are, the old Ruby Jusoh was always seeking for solutions, for improvements. She believed that things would get better, unlike the current Ruby Jusoh, who believes that solutions don't make a different - solutions solve problems, that's it.

The past is something that is always hard to let go. I never knew how much I have been stuck in the same position, lamenting over the past, allowing the yearnings to change the person I was and am. Along the way, I lost myself. I'm not sure when or where but I did. Weird that it took the old Ruby Jusoh to remind me of the person that I used to be. I hope I am able to regain it - that confidence the old Ruby Jusoh had, the hopes that shone through her writings and her aspirations to live a great life.

Having a blog does have its own benefits after all. Who knew?