It has been 8 days...

It has been 8 days since my last post and I could barely remember what I did in between.

This is going to be a post of depression.

Not depression as in the clinical one, just a simple normal depression of unhappiness that my life is - however great is it and I am thankful for that - is also a great mess. It is 6.34 am now. In half an hour, I'll be going to class. Yesterday, I reached home at 8. I was planning to do work. But I did not. For the first time in my life, I had a terrible academically-caused headache that rendered me incapacitated for the rest of the day.

I woke up at 6 this morning. The headache is gone. The guilt and anxiety of not finishing work is back.

I hate this kind of life. Truthfully, it has been the thing that has been keeping me away from dreaming to be in the service. I am not sorry. Anything but living life within a scope of rigid rules where one would have no choice but to follow them. Life is made of rules - that is a fact I can't ignore. Yet, there are some rules I will try my best to avoid.

I can't remember the last time I did not spend the whole day at class, doing work. I can't remember the last time I went out to a mall and have fun. I can't remember the last time I had a dinner with my family without having to go back here right after, again to do work.

It has been 6 and a half months since 2013 began. Only one thing pops into my head when one mentions 2013 - the final year. It would be all that I remember. The tiredness, the lack of time, the rush, the lifelessness.

People have striven amidst the same mess I'm in. How do they do that? With patience, optimism and a lot of perseverance. The POP formula that I have left for so long. Be patient, be optimist and persevere.

But I do hope the system will change. For if this continues, the next person to come would also lose themselves, drowned by the system. One or two months would pass by without them even realizing when it did. They would not be trapped in something they did not want to do but are forced to complete. I would want this to be something exciting, something happy. Happy - for the lack of a better word - does not bode well with the education system, I must say. Who studies to be happy? I can say, at least I do. Guess that is too much to ask.

Be better, Ruby. Be better.

Whatever better means...