Freedom of Detachment

The most powerful lesson I have learnt this year - 2018 - is the freedom of detachment. 

The phrase came to me while watching a French film, Of Gods and Men. In the film, seven Christian monks who had lived a quiet, productive and harmonious lives among their fellow Muslim villagers in Algeria were kidnapped by Islamist terrorists. Based on a true story that happened twenty-one years ago, I was deeply inspired by the values and choices made by the monk. A character called Brother Luc stated in one scene that he was a "free man". They could chain him, they could torture him but he remained and chose to remain a free man. It said a lot about our perception of freedom. Is freedom a state of mind or a state of the body? Does a prisoner of a conscious mind possess more freedom than a free citizen with an obedient and structured life? 

It could be the answer to a lot of the internal battles I have been facing of late. For the past few years, the keyword of my life has been 'attachment'. I am attached to a great many things in life. Friendship, family, affections, filial duty, human rights, activism, literature, fame, pride, work, reputation, productivity, reading, achievements and ambitions. Constantly, my mind works in a way that is processing all these attachments inside my head, balancing everything and making sure that my brain space could accommodate things that are important. The internal battles also fit perfectly into the current narrative of my identity - a teacher in a learning centre who is also a postgraduate research student and an occasional activist. Multiple identities lead to multiple focus. By allowing myself no spare time to contemplate or even act on any doubts or confusion I have in my mind, I am pushing myself to move forward amid the struggles I myself fear to acknowledge. 

What are these fears and why are they crippling me from the inside? 

What am I afraid of?

1 - I am afraid of the dark. 

In a literal sense, I am scared of the dark. I do not like not being able to identify how things are placed around me. I do not like the mystery and absolute nothingness. Clarity allows me to know and be in control. Applying it to life, the dark could mean many things - evil, negativity or rock bottom. As of now, I identify the dark as the uncertainty of my own path. What are the reasons of me doing what I am doing and where do I want to lead myself to? Life as an educator and a learner can be very lonely indeed. As an educator, you have your students to keep you company and intellectually stimulated. However, as an adult learner constantly trying to unlearn and re-learn what you have known, the journey to your own thought process can be very isolating, indeed. Are you doing the right thing? Are you in the right path? Are you sure your values are absolute? You answer these questions on your own. 

2 - I am afraid of being a lesser version of whom I thought I am. 

I am turning 27 years old this year. Despite the worries and anxiety, I am living the life I have always dreamed of. Like most of us in Malaysia, we do dream of going away and living in a foreign country for various reasons. I do have such dreams - mostly because my perception was that I would have more freedom there. It was, of course, a flawed opinion. I have quite given up on the dream now or stopped wishing for it. I am an educator and extremely passionate about it. I am pursuing my doctorate albeit with great struggle to balance my time. I am still a part of a feminist organization I believe in. However, I feel exhausted. I feel like my time is running out. I feel like I have failed not in a larger sense but in a smaller scale of things. I fail not in terms of achievements but in character. I feel like I have yet to have a grip on this life that I have wanted. I can only be considered what society deems a 'proper individual' when compared with the other adults around me. Each time I ask myself 'have you got this?', the first answer that comes to my head is a definite 'no'. I am struggling.

Why? Because I am not as good as I thought I would be. I achieved all that I have ever wanted to do by this age and yet, I am aware that I could have done better. And the age of maturity is still elusive to be. I am still nervous, unsure and not confident. I have not my shit together. 

3 - I  am afraid of the changing nature of my attachments. 

What if you wake up one day and realize you have no obligation to care about things or persons you love so much? Decisiveness has been a recurring theme for me. I know who I am. I know what I want. Most of the time, I know how to want it and how to get it. As of late, I have been questioning that a lot. Not all attachments, no matter how intense they are, benefit or enrich you. Some may even be harmful and toxic to you. Therefore, attachments should always be re-assessed. The saying 'follow your heart' - to what extent can you trust it? Is your heart trustworthy? Urge, lust and desire have the power to overwhelm you and rob you of your truly independent senses. Therefore, how free is your free will? How free is your free choice? Attachments - I keep on asking myself about them on the nature of their necessity. 

4 - I fear rejections and consequently, the wants of things that may reject me.

Rejection is yet again another reminder that my best version of me is not the current version of me. I believe I have had a misguided version of the 'best version', the same way people think that 'perfection' exists. It is almost like religion, heaven, hell, faith and other abstract notions. I think of myself as having this goal - or an ideal person - to be and in the ideal world, the ideal version of me would be loved and appreciated and never to be rejected by anyone. Therefore, any form of rejection, may it be in work, relationship or feelings, indicates failures and that is horrifying. I do not like failures and I particularly do not bother to be reminded by it. Some days, I wish I wake up never to be affected by it. I wish I would do things the way I want just because I want to. I wish it is that simple. I wish I have gotten rid of the sense of shame and break free from the need of approval. The craving to seek belonging or validation of your own capabilities can be very strong. I was conditioned to be as such since the day I was born. I hope that one day I can be free of it. 

I hope this essay would serve as a reminder to myself. I dream of the freedom of detachment and I accept the fact that I am far away from it. However, I now take an oath to never cease in working to free myself and divert my fears to more productive activities of doing rather than worrying. 

Ruby, 7th of May 2018, 10.52 PM, McDonalds.