Mothers & Their Unmarried Daughters

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My mother, like most mothers, wants to see us daughters happily married off and have our own families with lots and lots of babies. Me and my eldest sister - I am 21 and she 26 - did not feel much pressure until this year. My mom has gone from occasionally bearable to not bearable at all. Everyday, she would go yap yap yap about why we never have boyfriends.

Lots of reason, mum. Maybe we are not ready for it. Maybe we are fugly. Maybe we are scary. Or maybe guys are pretty much extinct in this world.

I am sure you don't want us to end up with married ones. Duh, I have enough family drama for a lifetime. Not interested in any sequel.

Why are people afraid of the prospect of being alone in the future? Some says marriage helps as they provide you with a companion for the rest of your life. I disagree. Loneliness is a core human value that cannot be eradicated even if you belong to the most crowded place on earth. Everybody is lonely at heart, at mind, at soul. Marriage is not going to make it any better.

I am quite anxious for my sister as well. Not for the fact that she doesn't seem interested in marriage. I am just scared that she would give in to the pressures imposed upon her. "Get married. You are not getting any younger. Look at your cousins. Yada Yada Yada," the elders in our family would say.

Being a young person who is quite content with her disbelief in the eternal nature of marriage, I find myself endlessly questioning the worth of it. Of course not in front of the elders but I try to make sense of it - quietly and slowly and indirectly - with my mother and siblings and friends.

And for a woman - with a career, family, friends and independent interests - to get married, is it that easy? I am not trying to say that my sister tried hard, but she must have attempted to like at least one or two guys in her life. It did not work. It did not end well. What can one do about it?

Furthermore, there is also this constant misconception about people have with unmarried girls over 25 of age. "Oh, I pity her," one would say. "Oh, she must feel lonely all the time," others would add. C'mon, I am sure her loneliness is the same as any other person - say, a housewife waiting for a husband to finish work, a busy career woman who leaves her child to the maid's care and only communicates with her partner a few minutes per day etc etc .

After listening to all of that blabbering elders say about marriage, it is odd for me to discover that they said nothing about love, understanding, preparation etc. They just want you to get married. They did not put the words as to let us find a person who shares mutual love and respect with us - just that they want us to get marrie. Why? Maybe because they know mutual love is not easy to find - quite hard actually. So it would be more practical to dispose of it. Society cares not for mutual love - they just want to support and strengthen the idea that marriage is what young people should pursue in life.

Out of spite, we do tell our parents that we don't want to get married. We are not serious - c'mon, we are in our twenties [and my sister's twelve]. But we never say we don't believe in love. We want love. And that will be great if with it, comes a possible desire for a marriage. It's just that a marriage without love would be an absolute no-no. Some people - like my married cousins - found it and some people doesn't. Not all is lucky. Not all is blessed with that kind of partnership in life.

Destiny - haha, yeah, I believe in destiny, seriously - is a funny thing. Why? It is random. Fucking random. How people turned out to be friends. How people fall in love with other people. How people meet and talk with each other on the streets. Yup, it is random. My mother would say - "but we must make an effort!" Yes, mom, an effort, of course. But still, if the randomness of destiny does not allow for it, that what can we do? Knock on the heaven's door to grant us husbands who are understanding, respectful and love us for what we are?

You know what, if that is possible, I'd do that a loooong time ago without any hesitation. But we can't. So we live. And move on with life. And not obsess over the matter since we have other stuffs to think of. And we, single ladies, would prefer for other people not to be obsessed with it as well.



Ruby Jusoh loves her mother tremendously. She believes that her mother's constant nagging is just a way of showing affections and developing communications, albeit a not-so preferred one. Thank God she is an expert in switching to more controversial topics aka the 'Abah' issue. HAha