i love my life - despite my dysfunctional family, physical obesity, masculine personality, treatment of harsh first impressions people have on me, and a bunch of other stuffs. i love that i have a quite clear picture of who i am and who i want to be and what type of person i am. and i think about myself a lot. i often ask questions on whether i want to have this kind of principles or not, that kind of beliefs or not and etc. and i believe not all people does that.
people, esp young adults often complain that they hate their life. truth to be told, there is nothing you can do about it, unless you're capable of suicide, of course, and that is entirely up to you. for me, life is not to be hated; people are. life is our own possession and is under our own control on how we want to structure, shape and enjoy it the best we can with certain restrictions from our controlling superiors like parents, educators and nosy busybody species of other human beings, who are overly-abundant around us, unfortunately. and i have all those, like every normal people. but i try to hold myself up by trying to ensure that the main thing that influence my life is me and me alone. i hold myself in quite a high self-esteem, of which i'm sure certain prejudice people would categorize that as 'stuck-up' but then, since when do i care 'bout their opinions [fyi, only rational people's opinions carry weights].
i am a complex person. i don't trust people much as i believe human hearts are very changeable. i am quite cautions of being involved in a close relationship with people outside my blood relations [be it friendship, heterosexual or bi or even lesby]. i am the kind of person who would rather be hated for life by other people than feeling uncomfortable with myself. i tend to distance myself from anyone who makes me feel restricted and controlled [including my parents, occasionally, thus the reason of me going home so rarely]. i want to be solely dependent on myself, be it emotionally, socially and financially. i never see myself getting married. i'm a liberal and a very pro-individualist beneath my headscarf. i believe that everyone is bisexual; it's just the matter of whether you dare to cross the line or not. i don't particularly care that i'm fat [and people find that disturbing. but, hey, it's my own freaking body, so it's my own freaking business]. i swear a lot. i tend to be a dominating personality in a group of people. i do not have that feminine gene in me. my voice is loud, rough and my manners manly.
and for all the reasons stated above, normal members of the still-conservative polite malaysian society find me very much unacceptable and repealing. among the usual remarks they gave me in opposing my unconventional personality are...
1- "ruby, you have to get married someday."
= what is that supposed to mean? so, if i'm not married someday, i am a disgrace to society? isn't that discriminatory? they want me to change to a more feminine-like lady so that i can get a husband. hmm... something is definitely wrong there. i would rather remain unmarried than being involved in a life committment of which i cannot even be myself and speak my own mind.
2- "ruby, you're a girl. you have to control yourself."
= so if i'm a guy, it's okay for me to be like this?? another proof of double standard.
3- "ruby, don't you want guys to be attracted to you?"
= ermm... no?
and a bunch of other stuffs as well, of which i believe is not relevant in the millennium world nowadays.
that's all for now. i am feeling quite tired after sahur. now i need to get some sleep and continue being a living zombie at my parents' home...
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