being outspoken or none at all

today, i had just partially-fulfilled one of my lifelong dreams...

that is to have the experience of being taught by the person i admired most in my faculty, the very venerated and one of the most famous educators in the malaysian legal education. his face is stamped in every single of our textbook on a certain subject and a huge number if the students in my batch so very wish that he would be posted to teach us. however, as hopeful as we might be, we heard the rumors that we would never have the good chance of calling him 'sir' in class due to the conflict of interests he would have to face in case he is assigned to us.

Having accepted that fact, i chose to move on with life. i know it sounds dramatic but you have no idea how much i admire this man. i am most passionate about the subject he is very experienced in and i have been collecting his articles since i began my tertiary education. he is the one i looked up to with this image of being semi-divine in my very studious life. civil rights, judiciary, constitution... i live for those issues. and his articles prove him to be no less than a very rational-minded man, intelligent and a champion for democracy - the every traits of which i hope to possess in my future life as a judge. (hopefully...)

Fast-forward a few weeks later, i met up with my old schoolfellow who had just begun her degree here, in the same course as mine but a semester below. and guess what? that man of whom i admire is her lecturer. i told my friend of how ardent my admiration is for him and in a few seconds, she dashingly invited me to join her lecture. she said, why not? there's no harm done, and since i wanted it so much to have the experience of him teaching me, then i should not let this chance go. so i said yes, i would. who cares if i have to re-learn the subject i already passed last semester?

so, on that very blessed morning, i went to his class. was it very cold or was it just me feeling nervous of having him enter the hall? you see, i've been a fan of this man for years. thus, any signs of nervousness should not be held as weird or creepy. if you can feel nervous for your favourite boyband, why can't you feel nervous for your favourite legal scholar? i know i sound very nerdy, and i am... so, there i was, sitting there in silence at the corner of the class, among the part 1 students (it felt weird, believe me) with my eyes so solidly fixed at him and my ears three times more intently listening to his every words. i loved it. he talked about issues of which i am very interested in, he so very constantly gave his personal opinions to the students, asking for their opinions and such... it was a very great intellectual class.

however, sadly... i was obliged to be silent for the whole two hours of the lecture. you see, i was a sort of an 'illegal immigrant' there. i am not one of his students. the lecture was for the part 1 students, and i am not, so let them have their say. he is their lecturer, not mine. so i have no right to intervene in their process of learning. so, i had to hold my tongue shut in a very heavy manner every time he raised the issues that triggered my intellectuality most. i was dying to speak out but i know i shouldn't. i know it is wrong for me to do so. therefore, i did not. and that was what frustrates me the most.

i love learning. i love the thrill of knowing things, of interacting with the educators, having different views and opinions to gain a clearer view of life. those things give me a sense of satisfaction and thrill - of being different, of being brave, of being confident and of being the best. The degree of outspokenness in my lecture hall does not belong to me alone - it is shared by a dozen of other very intelligent students in my lecture hall of whom have more impressive ideas and thinking than i do most of the times. and i can't help but to imagine if we do have the miracle of having him as our lecturer, teaching us the subject a lot of people can relate themselves to. it would have been a blast. and i would have not been obliged to stay silent. i would be allowed to be myself - the outspoken loud student who lives up her intellectual capacity by asking questions in class. i would have been alive in his presence. i would have had the motivation to study five times as hard as i do now. (how crazy can i get? hehe...) but, back to reality, he's not my lecturer and never will be one. thus the reason of why i don't think i am returning to that part 1 class again. the thought of how great it would have been if he was to teach us combined with the impossibility for it to happen torments me extremely and that torment never fails to circulate through my mind every time he appears in my sight.so, i have decided to let my dream of having him as my educator go. what use can there be of dreaming of something that i know will never have the chance to materialize? but then, the law degree still has to continue. doesn't it?

life does have to move on sometimes, even when one of your lifelong dreams had been made impossible to turn into reality... and there is still the law degree to keep me standing alive and breathing... and so are you, my dear readers... (to those who read law. to those who don't, i wish you luck in whatever course you're learning.)