who knew the deed of loving one's parent could cause so many wrong things in one's life, and who'd know that the person would be me. for the first time in my life, i have no idea and no strength at all to continue this law degree thing. i stared and looked at my books and my notes and it felt empty. it felt worthless and useless. how i miss the girl i was before and the father he was before. how i miss the rush of adrenaline running through my body when i studied, just thinking about how happy i would be in making him proud of me. his expressions and words. his compliments. his belief and faith in me. how i miss all that. how i would've kill anything for to have those feelings back. how i would kill to see the ruby jusoh i once knew, not just the empty, adrenaline-less ruby who is typing these words now. the outspoken, spirited her, full of dreams and ambitions. full of hopes. full of pride. and i wonder where she has gone to. cause i am not seeing her anymore. she's just not there. and as i am trying my best to memorize these constitutional law notes right now, she is still not coming. her signs are not to be seen anywhere.
maybe that is my biggest mistake after all. i've always thought that if i hadn't love him too much, then i wouldn't be hurt this much as well. maybe if i was more of an ignorant daughter than that of an obedient one, i wouldn't be disappointed this much also. if only i had chosen to live for me and not for him. if only i had chosen to pursue law more for my own interest than of making him proud of me. if only i had structured a different mindset than of that which had been influenced so much by him that he was my hero, my idol, my inspiration and basically everything i wished to be when i grow up. if only i could foresee the result and consequences of actually caring for him. then maybe, i won't feel this terrible right now.
it's weird actually - all i ever wanted to do was to make him proud. and now since i can't even bear to see his face, how am i supposed to do that? no one had ever told me when i was little that making your parents happy would bring some negative outcomes to your life - especially when your trust to him is betrayed and he is suddenly not the one you knew before. i always thought that children who live for their parents would be happy if their parents are happy. but i guess, in certain circumstances, the outcome would be different - circumstances where the parents themselves betray the child's trust and faith they have in them. as for the children; where would they go? how are they supposed to continue with their lives? my study used to be all about him and minimally partially about me and now - now i have no idea. i feel lost - no, empty would be the correct term. he was my foundation and my trust in him was my main drive to study. and since my trust was broken, so is the foundation; which is my number one foundation in life. now how am i supposed to face this? i guess i have to construct a new foundation whole over again. the broken one was made in nineteen years time - God knows how many years this new one going to take. i am still at the beginning process of constructing it - it is very depressing, tiring and mentally damaging. but it's not like i have a choice. as emotional as i may be, i do realize that life has to go on; even without the biggest reason of me living. so i guess now i have to go back to my notes and study for the test tomorrow whilst wondering where the girl i used to be and the man he was had gone to...
fathers and daughters - i dare say this relationship is the most complicated one among all types of relationships existing on the surface of this earth.
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