she's the liberal and she's back!!

i know my writing had been quite in a depressive tone these past few weeks. well, that's due to my own reflective depressive feelings. but dear readers, worry no more as i'm back. 'i' being the usual 'i' you guys are used to before. you know, the outspoken horny loud complicated me. three days ago, i was close to suicidal. i was sick of seeing myself being suicidal so i went to sleep and prayed to God to bring my old self back - i prayed for my strength back, for my spirit, for my grip, for the feeling of being me to be back. and guess what - God had actually listened to my prayers and the next thing i know, i woke up with this unexplainable feeling of my usual excitement and content of being who i really am and who i want to be. even my friends noticed the change and told me of how they were glad that i'm back. and yes, people, the feeling of being back is wonderful! believe it or not, i am actually feeling quite foolishly excited of being me. i know i would still have problems in my life, financially and emotionally and socially - but i somehow know that i'll survive those and i'll get through them just fine. and i am very extremely far from being suicidal now...

it takes quite a few while for me to realize that even though i have just lost something so very dear to me in my life, i still have lots of other elements to live for. truth to be told, my family is not all bad. i have a very kind but sometimes-overbearing mother [who doesn't] and she is the actual person i can actually count on though our ways of thinking are always in contrast sometimes. and my eldest sister; my kakak, what can i say about her? she's my best friend, my also very important financial source and the one who understands and accepts me for who i am [though she can be quite scary sometimes, but then, whose eldest sister isn't?] then my elder brother; my mata-sepet abe. he used to bully me a lot when i was little and i used to think that he was the king of the kings of devils on earth, but as we grew up, i began to realize that the bullying thing did not occur because he hates me, but because he enjoyed the sheer joy of the activity, as i do now as i constantly bully my younger siblings as well [it's tradition, you see]. although he is so eternally broke, but i find myself so comfortable talking to him on a daily basis and he is the kind of brother who would also accept the masculine me without complaining like most brothers, reprimanding me to be more ladylike or such. he is the one who would listen attentively to everything i said and would laugh sincerely at my jokes [though the laugh can sound very funny and odd sometimes]. and then there's my younger brother, nicknamed cudin in the family but i prefer to call him 'cutak' - a combination of cudin and butak [means dumb]. he's quite the odd one as well, more articulate in english than in bm and all he cares for in the world is his goddamn warcraft [but then, whose younger brother isn't?] he may understand things with a different perspective than most people but i know he has a kind heart and that would be permanent until he grows up. and if he's reading this; though i can be so hellish-ly mean and scary sometimes, i just want to tell him that i do love and care for him and his life and his future. then, the final - the putak in the family [a combination of patin plus butak] who is my younger sister. all the things she cares for in her life is stacy af6, akademi fantasia, the unbearable 'kau & aku' drama and chocolates and movies and all the obvious pleasures a ten year-old would enjoy. even though she may seem happy, but being my mother's closest companion, only God knows how her feelings are seeing my mother suffered every night. and she is doing a very good job on trying to be annoying sister so that at least i can have some sort of normalcy in my life and something else to think of. that putak - i am quite sure that she is going to be the strongest of us all and quite possibly more masculine than me [she was raised with such masculinity among women, you see].

so, yeah, there it is. and come to think of it, i think i am much better-off than most people. i have lots of people who i can talk and rely to though i may not see that sometimes due to being so blinded by my emotional wounds. but when my mind is working back in a rational manner, so does my emotional sight. and now i see that i have lots of things to live for aside from the one i've just recently lost. and right now, i'm actually feeling quite content and glad of my life. for now, at least.

ruby jusoh is sooooo back...