no risk involved

my akak2 ofis are talking about failed marriages they heard on the radio this morning. about two wives calling the radio djs at hot.fm and talked about their marital problems. sad cases, indeed, from what i've heard. even got my kak nana so teary eyes [n she's one tough woman, u know].

the 1st case she told me, was about a wife who was left by the husband only after 5 months of marriage. prior to the marriage, the guy was the one enthusiastic about the relationship, even to the extent of begging the wife's parents to marry their daughter. however, after they tied the know, there seemed to be trouble everywhere. they fought constantly and each fight would be ended with the husband leaving the house for the night. their last fight was the hugest one and the husband left never to return again. few days later, the wife received a letter from court requiring her presence for the divorce proceedings. the wife refused to go. why? she loves him too much that she could not bear to hear the divorce declaration from her loved one's own mouth.

the second case was on polygamy - a case i'm too familiar with. a wife has been married quite a few years to the husband, who would constantly seek female companionship outside his marriage. the wife tried to fight for the marriage when the husband had a mistress the first time, kept fighting when the second mistress came. she fought and waited but the husband never changed. the third time came and she had done fighting. she relented. consent for her husband taking a second wife was given. "it's fine," said she on the radio, "at least i'll get a golden umbrella on heaven."

i know marriages, most of the time in malaysia, work. and in some possibilities, do provide marital bliss for the couple. but there are also cases like these which really pained me. it happened inside my home long enough and elsewhere.

what do people expect when they get married? loyalty? money? love? security?

my mother often reprimands me for openly declaring to not marry even if the supposed 'right guy' came along. not because i'm being un-islamic or going against God's will, but because i don't think i am willing to bear the risk of undergoing the same pain i've been through during my teenage years. God will understand. i'll be better off alone, associating with people who care for me. marriage is a risk, people say. so yes, it is a risk and i don't want to take it. my mother took it, tons of other women took it. in the end, what i see is that happiness has nothing to do with marriage. i don't want to be married, i want to be happy. i guess it's some sort of a decision i already made in life.

what triggered such radical decision? the same persons who encourage me most to find a man. sorry abah, sorry umi. when it comes to marital stuffs, don't expect to smile for me. i don't know why but i'm sure that i can find my own happiness, whatever that may come from.

i have loved and worshiped a man as much as a woman like me could love. in return, i do receive financial security but that's about it. his love for me, i'm not sure of. he never remembers my birthday or my hobbies or worse, my ambition. what he is too sure of is his ambition for me. he wants me to be a judge. that's about it. he doesn't know i love to write and paint and it is most likely that he won't even care. sadly to say, the most meaningful relationship in my life, in reality, remains a one-sided affair with only one person trying hard on it.

it's not that i am traumatized from it. it's just that i realize that there's risk involved when it comes to this matter and knowing me, i'd rather pass such risk.

i guess that's my limit. no more there is to it, then...