[WARNING: A VERY LONG AND POSSIBLY BORING POST. Hahaha *psycho grin*]
I lived my life for years on the axis of making him proud and happy for me. I still remember vividly his glowing smile when I informed him of my excellent result during my first semester. I decided then – my purpose of living was to live by his aspiration. I was to be his superdaughter.
It lasted for two years before I tired myself out. We lived separately, ran separate lives. He with his work and many commitments to his first and second families, me with my university life. I would call him once a week, asking money and briefed a little on my studies. That was it. not much. Distance was the only comfortable alternative.
Even though I was in Shah Alam with my own life, still I think about him all the time. I moulded his ambitions into mine. I forsake my passion – literature, art, sociology – because he wanted me to be a judge. If I go further in pursuing my true interests, then I would be further apart from his ambition.
His ambition would be to see me as a judge and my ambition was to make it come true.
I thought he ceased to care about what I feel and want overtime. My image of him as my main inspiration was fine except during the holidays when I would be at home and witness his true colours. In my opinion, he was failing as a father. He was barely home. He barely checked on us. it was disheartening. I kept asking myself – was that really the man I lived for?
Upon reaching a point, I felt like I’ve lost it. I’ve lost my grip. I couldn’t do this anymore – this whole study-and-fighting-for-my-father thing. Here I am, fighting for him and there he is, with his second wife and her children. Detaching him away from my university life means I have to detach the source of inspiration in my study. I would lose my spirit and my adrenaline. I would be left with no pulse and desire to continue being a study-holic. I love knowledge, I really do. But academics? It was all for my father.
My wise lecturer then told me – why live your life for him? I didn’t know what to answer. Because I love him, perhaps. Because I worship him and I aspire to be as passionate and as successful as he is today in his worklife. He loves his job and he excels in it. He is a great man from that perspective. What do you want to do? My lecturer asked. Truthfully? I asked back. I want to learn. Sociology. Philosophy. Literature. Art. My passions. Then why don’t you become an academician? Because I don’t think my father would allow that. Not professional enough from his perspective. You see, he’s a hardcore banker with quite a stereotyped Malaysian thinking. Other than accountancy and the medical and legal field, other branches wouldn’t be as financially secure. Money. It all comes down to money. Calculations are being made while I’m still studying. They would expect me to earn good money.
Then he said, you think academician doesn’t earn good money?
It got me thinking for a while. Why was it that I was quite against the ambition of becoming one? Perhaps because I had been brainwashed since I was little that being an academician won’t be good enough for me. ‘Supposedly’, it’s not glamorous or professional enough. That is why I never have plans on becoming one. But then, as my university years pass by so dully, I began to realize that becoming an academician would allow me to do what I really love to do as a person – learn. The input of knowledge would be considerably more compared to being a practicing lawyer or a judge.
Then I realized – I didn’t plan on being an academician because I know I’ll have to go against my father’s ambitions for me. I could fulfil his expectations no more – which is what I have been doing since I entered UiTM. I wondered – can I live with that? Can I strive without the ‘father’ element? Can I do it wholly because of me?
Funny that I never thought to live life for myself. I thought I never could. This mindset I had been stuck with for life is one that assures me that pursuing my father’s ambition would be the best choice for my future. I used to think that I have to be cautious in shaping my future to not offend him. Weird, right? Am I such a daughter?
I’ve heard of this situation of daughter having a ‘father-complex’ – how a daughter would do anything and work as hard as she could to gain approval and recognition from her father. I think I am doing pretty much that. Thus, it’s the main reason I shudder every time the thought of pursuing what I really desire comes into mind. Live for yourself, my lecturer said. His advice was simple but it seemed impossible to be acted upon.
What about all the things he has done for me, sir? I asked. He provides me with a comfortable life. I always have enough money to live on, my necessities fulfilled. My lecturer then said, it’s his duty as a father to do so but he has no rights to decide your future. But then, sir, surely he expects something in return. Perhaps for me to be an obedient daughter who’d fulfil his hopes and dreams for me. I have always thought that would be the least I could do.
But yes, it has been asserted overtime for me that this is my life. So easily said – this is my life. The one living and controlling it is me. What about other factors? Should it be considered as well? Ie the people who has sacrificed many things for us. I couldn’t understand myself. Why do I keep thinking about other people’s expectations when it comes to my future? It is very hard for me to just focus on what I really want in life.
Lecturing never seemed like a desirable venture just because I thought people expected more from me. But I love knowledge and I would like to work in an area where my knowledge would be my best asset. Researcher and academician sound very nice. But deep inside my heart, there’s this foolish weariness that keeps warning me to choose a more ambitious career. I have to be someone great, the weariness kept saying, and powerful.
Do I want to be someone powerful or someone who gets to do what she loves?
I do have a healthy relationship with my ego but at times, it causes me more harm than good. This is one of them.
Stupid. I am more easily influenced than I look. People, don’t be fooled.
Live life for myself. Hmm... hard but surely, it’s not wrong to start doing so, right?
Ruby Jusoh feels like lepaking and hanging out with her friends - the only activity where she could cease to worry about her future and personal problems and lives life contently as it comes...
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