Let Go

My friend is missing the person she loves today. She partially broke down in sadness during lunch. I was surprised. I asked her, “what’s up with you?”

My other friend smiled. The friend who broke down turned to me.

“I miss HIM.” HIM being the dude whom she had known for many years, I suspect. I’ve heard stories of him from her. Not more than that. Based on her description, he seems like a pretty decent guy.

“Oh,” I said. “Of course you do. You lo – ” I paused. Damn, I should stop talking. Now.

She glared at me and insisted, “I what?”

Hesitatingly, I went on. “Of course you miss him. You love him.”

The statement was strong. She never told me straightforwardly about her feelings towards him. But I knew. It was obvious.

How? Every time me and my friends were deep in discussions about love and relationships, she would pop up his name a number of time. He was understanding, he was opened minded and he was the guy she could talk to freely without having to worry about breaking the boundaries and what not. And while talking, her face glows like a blue moon.

I guessed it from there.

“Don’t worry lah,” said I. “That’s normal. I understand how you feel. Of course I’ve never been in relationships before but I know how does it feel to love someone but not being able to express it.”

The other friend smiled again. She, too, is in love. I know she is. She kept living in denial that her feelings are just some mere crush but somehow, I suspected that there exists a slight tint of the ‘in-love’ virus the moment she confessed to us she was liking this dude.

The three of us girls who were having lunch that day share the same fate. We’re in love. Constantly with the same or different persons. Just that we have not the medium to express it. We have the objects – meaning we know who we love. But we are rational enough to know that expressions of such love is strictly forbidden or impractical or is just damn impossible.

Huh. People say we should move on. That’s bullshit. We are actually moving on even if we don’t want to. Just that most of the time, we move on without letting go of those feelings. We keep them inside. We are not willing to let go.

I think that is the right action. Don’t let go if you’re not ready to. Or else you’ll be the one to chase them afterwards. Forcing yourself is the last thing you should do. Don’t lie to yourself.  Just embrace it, hold it as long as you want to. Once you’re ready, then let go.

Live. Live life as you want to. Who know, those irrational feelings might help you spiritually more that you expect them to. 

Ruby Jusoh did try her best to let go, only to surrender to her feelings after many months of draining emotional battle. She is pretty much content with her life right now except for her studies which are driving her almost insane at this very moment...