i loved you once in my life. but now i am deeply unhappy. our relationship is failing. you've changed and never fail to disappoint me.
i know you could do nothing about changes in your life. it is me. i am the one who is not strong enough to handle you in all your glorious form. spending almost three years with you, i keep getting this feeling that you are not the persona i truly love. your ideals and my ideals - they turn out to be distant from each other. i ceased to believe in what you believe in, too.
but you used to make me a very happy woman. seeing you from the early morning till late in the evening, it used to be such a bliss. you gave me life. i smiled. i wished for no other life to live in but this.
my father loves you. so does my mother. you are their hopes and dreams. they wish to see me stuck with you for the rest of my life and thirty years from now, i am to be their focal pride and you are the one who is going push me to that position.
you promise every thing a woman could wish for - money, security, job, glamour, pride, status and independence. i chose you exactly for that reason. there are times that you make me the happiest, but such times are lessening and lessening.
i try oh my hardest to grip tightly into this relationship. can it work? can we make it work?
i pray to God i could. oh please.
i am not hurt at all. indeed you have done absolutely nothing bad. but what if you turn out to be the person i don't want to be with? the first few years we were together, it was good. i was happy. some things still sucked but waking up with you was not a burden, yet.but now, things are getting heavier and heavier.
i am staring at you right now and wonder about the life we have to share together for the next twenty years. don't you worry - i'll never leave you.
running away is not a choice. i'll be damned to hell if that happens. whose back i'm going to rely on then?
still, i keep looking back. wondering how wonderful life would have been if i am to be in different circumstances. with you, it's all black and white. tough work to be done. high status, more money, 8am to 8pm, stuck in the office. meet up with powerful people, lunches with successful businessmen. big car, big house, big everything. and abah would be gleaming with pride. the visions are all signed and sealed in my document of destiny.
but i cannot help but to ask myself. this life that i've been living in - is it what i really REALLY want? without all the financial and familial factors to be considered, would i choose this life? this career path and this future?
come to think of it - i hate being stuck in an office for twelve hours, i hate formal black & white uniforms, i hate meeting people i don't like and kissing their asses and i don't like living in a big but empty house with a big car. i want to wear jeans to work. no suits, no formal wear - Tshirt and jacket would suit me fine. a small but comfortable house would be good enough. and i don't mind driving my Kancil until i grow old. i want to be able to listen to music at work. and i want to be able to express my views clearly to other people without having to 'bodek' anybody. i don't want to be stuck in a chair all day long, worrying about grants, money, contracts and status. i want to write. explore. constantly learning. i don't want to be stuck in such a confined box where people constantly tell me how i should think and behave.
but i know too well all of those wishes are too idealistic. c'mon, no one can be that lucky in her life. and i do believe that people often wish for stuffs they can't have in life. so much that they tend to not appreciate what they already have.
i have you. and i still like you very much. i may cease to love you wholly but there are certain stuffs about you that never fail to make my heart fills with excitement, passion and happiness. i am still in love with some certain parts of you though most of them have been out of my sight for quite some time now. hopefully, they will come back.
they have to come back, or else, i'll be having the hardest time of my life to find myself back again in this relationship.
the thought of being stuck with you my whole life - it is successfully driving me crazy...
from,
your faithful but not so in-love wife
Ruby Jusoh often refers to law as her 'husband', literature as her 'secret lover' and art as her 'best friend'. in the current situation, she has been missing her secret lover and best friend intensely. too much devotion has been focused on her husband, so much that her lover and best friend might have taken offence of it, thus deciding to distance themselves from her life.
on the other hand, she needs to slap herself hard in the face and reconcile with the truth. love rarely comes to our lives despite the hopeful desperate pray which calls for it...
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