Show Me The Money

My father had just banked in RM400 into my account two days ago. Half of it is for my rent, the other half for household bills. Only last week he helped me settled my internet bills which cost him around RM200. The previous week, he gave me some pocket money around RM150, which i spent mostly on my assignments - printing, photostating, etc.

Calculate it all together, he wasted around RM750 on me alone these three weeks. And I haven't yet asked for my weekly allowances, gas allowances, food allowances, phone credit allowances etc etc. All of that, I have to use my PTPTN loan money, which is shrinking day by day now. I am left with only RM300 in my bank account, to survive in campus for these two months.

Asking money from my father is not a viable option. At least for this week.

That is not so convincing. My mood has been altered greatly, my friend said. I deeply apologize but when it comes to worrying about money, absolutely almost nothing could cheer me up. My mother and sister's voice would start to go banging at my ear - "who told you to waste money? who told you to buy iPod? who told you to go lepak at shopping mall? Who told you to go watch movie? who told you to eat at kopitiam, subway etc?"

then i sighed. of course no one told me. i wanted them all by myself. i am one financially spoiled daughter. i drive a car, have an iPod, rent my own room which cost me double the normal student price, love all those costly food, costly books and all the costly stuffs.

only to regret doing all that when the semester is approaching its end. then i would think about my PTPTN all over again, wishing i had been wiser and more careful about my spending. i'd do that every semester.

yet, i never change. huh. irony.

my friends have often told me not to worry. i have a financially stable father. he has a huge salary. and a second wife. therefore, i have always followed the principle of "better waste his money by myself than allowing her and her family to take everything." but truthfully, it doesn't feel right.

i am too much of an egoistical daughter to do such thing. i take pride in becoming the 'supposedly' rational, thinking, intelligent daughter who carries the burden of her father's ambition in becoming a judge. by being 'supposedly' rational, i am also to be 'supposedly' careful in my spending, which i wasn't.

every time i go back to my parents' home during weekends, my mother would start babbling on my spending. yada yada yada. and she would tell me how my father would at time sit on the bed, leaning on the wall as if he had had a terrible, terrible headache. my mother would ask him, "what's the matter?". and his answer would always be, "Ruby asking for money again."

i often keep my cool every time my mom brings that story up. but then, upon knowing that you've been a source of pain and uneasiness to your parents, of course you'd feel like shits, right? i feel guilty. unfilial. troublesome. a mixture of all that - you have one unhappy daughter in shah alam with a stern face all week thinking of nothing but money, money and money and where to get it.

even now i am thinking of it. avoid fast food, avoid kopitiam, avoid eating out. buy fish and veggies from the nearby market and cook at home. for this month at least. then go back to Gombak and ask my mom to make some soup for me to bring to shah alam. all for the sake of saving money.

have to wait for at least seven days. then a text would reach my father's phone.

"Abah, bley masukkan duit poket? RM100 ke..."

the weekly headache would then come again...



Ruby Jusoh wonders no more on why she should enter judiciary and become a magistrate. For the man. Her whole life, her purpose has been nothing but the man. her dreams, her ambitions, all have been centered around the man. the headaches and the pain she has caused, all of those have to serve some purpose in life. 


give and take. the basis of all types of relationships...