Straight, Bended or Simply Plain Bi-Confused?

There is a problem here in Malaysia.

We love to decide things before we discover them. From religion, politics and most of all, sexuality.

Let me be clear on one thing - I love talking about sex and sexuality and all the wonderful things attached with it. I am still a virgin. I have not had sex before. Physically speaking, it is a foreign concept for me but mentally and intelletually speaking, I have been trying to learn more about it in the process of finding my own self.

One matter is clear - sexuality is not JUST about sex. At least from my perspective. It's much more than that. It's about feelings, connections, dependency, trust, attraction and desire. All of that mixed into one complex element called romance. My own theory stemmed from my immature unthinking self. If you want to believe it, go ahead. If you don't, then don't.

That is obviously a disclaimer. Just to be on the safe side.

It is always suffocating to be born and bred in a society which provides for no alternative way of life which is acceptable save for the 'normal' one - lots of rules, regulations and expectations to be followed. Go to school, pray, be a good Muslim, achieve good grades and get married to the opposite sex after you  have a stable job and make babies and retire to live happily ever after.

Sucks. And boring.

The moment we popped out of our mother's womb, our fate was sealed. We are to be this and that. You're a Malay, you're a Chinese, you're an Indian, you're an Other. We go to school and people began brainwashing us with the Bumiputra concept and how we deserve privileges which were justified on someone else's actions half a century ago. So we lived life, trying our best to be grateful.

Then we reach university - the supposed door to freedom. Hah, freedom indeed! Who knew it could be worse. Some of us began to silently rebel. The normalcy which chains us somehow suffocates us overtime with its rigidity. The force-feeding on the ethics we must comply on. I don't know about you guys but I began to rebel. Not as in REBEL but as in discovering the alternative choices available in order for me to live life in a fuller sence without having to conform to the emptiness of the society's regimentation.

So I began thinking a lot of my sexuality. And it seems to interest people. Am I straight? Am I gay? Am I bisexual? Or am I just confused?

The answer - I have no fucking idea! Why? Because I am twenty years old who has never encountered any serious romance in her life. I am an infant in this area of expertise. I know not how to severely depend on others emotionally. I have a number of interesting undefined relations - more than just-a-friendship but less-than-a-romantic-attachment but that's about it. I keep myself open to possibilities due to my inexperience and I mostly learn from others.

One thing for sure - I am unable to confidently state that I am straight. Because I am not. Because I have no idea. And due to the absence in that surety, I can't really decide for sure whether I am straight or not.

Self-discovery is a journey. And I am still  traveling in that journey. Absorbing and learning from life of what matters to me and how I want to live. This journey has left me feeling odd and quite wacky at times. Most of the times, I feel bipolar and confused.

I think. And keep thinking. And keep thinking. And thinking. Until I come to an indefinite conclusion.

But I try not to be depressed over it. Because I am twenty years old. Being of that age, I have an automatic license to be confused all I can. Better use up all the time I have until graduation. Then real life starts kicking in - bills, car and house loans etc etc. No time to think about my messed up sexuality, then.

Yes, that is what being young is all about. I don't want to pass my youth feeling regret in the future over not utilizing the time I had in taking risks and exceeding boundaries. I believe that is vital to one's growth as a human being. Imagine you spend your life confining yourself into your own set of mind, how bored and stagnant would it be? By the time you reach a certain point in your adolescence life, you'll be wanting to break free.

One of the most prime example of conformation is on sexuality. 99.99999% of us were convinced that we were born to be heterosexuals by nature, by the grace of God, by our supposed biological factor and by the i-have-no-idea-where-that-came-from  theory that men and women compliment each other. For years we allow other people to determine our own sexuality, which also determines how we shall live and associate with people and worse, how we should love. Only recently that I've begun to realize how unfortunate it would be to let others restrict one on the types of people he/she should love. That one aspect of life should be free to one's own choice.

Love should at least be one human right to be retained in Malaysia. Since we don't have that many, anyway.

I used to think I was damn straight. That was before I realized the possibility that I am something else. You may trick other people but you can't trick your feelings. It's that easy. And I am that kind of person who never bother much with the gender of love's subject-matter. If you love someone, then you love someone whether he's a guy or a girl. The gender is not the issue but the love.

If only people could understand that before jumping to conclusions, then Malaysia would've been a more accepting society. Embrace love, not hate. Love is not to be condemned.  Of course it's easy for others to condemn since they're not the one falling in love themselves.

So coming back to the question - HAHAHAHA what sexuality do I belong to?

To be honest...... to be HOOOONEST....

 I feel like a lesbian every time I see Giselle Bundchen...

[seriously, who doesn't after looking at THIS.??] 

But I am often dragged back to heterosexuality every time I lay eyes on Gaspard Ulliel...

 

[oh you damn French people... *faints*]

  

 It is a weird thing, this self-discovery business. You get all mixed up. But that is what makes it fun, is it not? Haha. Laugh and die and cry and laugh again.

So, I guess I'll stay this way for quite some time until God-knows-when. And I love the fact that I've opened my door to possibilities. It makes life exciting. Other than that, it is very unlikely that I would let myself be confined into a romantic attachment based on gender alone and not love.

So I'll try my best being the first ever bi-confused individual I've ever met. New term coined by the ever-so-great Ruby Jusoh aka me. A dreamer. A bi-confused dreamer.



Ruby Jusoh is often confused on all things related to life and living passionately. She would like to take this opportunity to thank her friends - whom she misses so very damn much - for being able to stand her confusions, complexity, arrogance, ego, wackiness, horniness, loudness and PMS-ness, if there's such a word. Again and again she wishes to reiterate - LIFE WOULD UNBEARABLE WITHOUT THEM...