BOXED!

BOXED! Another new term coined by the ever-so-genius future philosopher named Ruby Jusoh aka me.

Life is like a box. A box which contains all the relations to people we know, the situations we're used to and our usual routines of life. The physical nature of the box would in turn affect our mental thinking and intellectuality which are influenced by what we experience, read, who we meet etc etc.

I am not talking about the 'box' often related to the idea of creative thinking but the SOCIAL BOX most of us are trapped in as we grow up to become either persons or living zombies or sometimes, programmed robots.

The familiarity of the box provides for our safe-zone. We wake up every morning with nothing to worry about or what to expect. No one to challenge us, nobody to come storming right at us with out-of-this world troubles. We live life as normal as we can.

Mundane.

Life in a box may not be exciting. But it is secure, safe and comfortable. Who needs fun and excitement when we can have stability without any worries?

I used to think that way. But I soon grew to hate the box. It's a four-cornered world and I can never get out.

My box was quite a common type. I was born in such a 'box'ed enviroment, if you ask me. Why? Because everything is so familiar. I have a nuclear family - working father, stay-at-home mother and four brothers and sisters who care for nothing but our education and future careers. My parents used to say - "worry nothing but your studies." And I did for the first eighteen years of my life.

The enviroment I have as a student now is also quite BOXED. We abide to rules and regulations and taboos which shape the walls to each of our boxes. Certain actions are off-limits.

"We gotta have limits," people used to say.

"But who decides what the limits are?" I argued.

"Nature."

"And who decides nature?"

There was silence.

Our mindset are so restricted and caused us to become ignorant and aware of the outside world.

At times I do wonder, do we care about the outside world at all?

Honestly speaking, I study in a university which consists of mostly Malay Muslims. 1% to 3% are of the other races from Sarawak and Sabah. Academically speaking, I never feel inadequate. The educators are good and experienced and the facilities are available. You work hard, you'll get good grades.

But being young, you can't help but to have a certain devotion to your social life. And being young, I believe that we learn more of life from our social circles compared to the academic ones.

So for the past years, my friends' names are not that varied - from Ali to Fazlan to Muhammad for guys and Siti and Nur and Fatin for girls. There are no Ah Beng, Ah Hong, John, Jack, Pooja or Mary. I mean, can't I have a Raju in my life once in a while? It's weird considering how you've always drive pass those huge billboards on the side of the highway showing this gigantic-sized posters of Malaysians from different ethnics smiling and being friendly to each other in the effort to promote how multi-cultural and multi-racial Malaysia is.

As for me, I do wonder whose life are they trying to portray through those posters? Heck, not me, for certain!

Why? Because during that time of seeing those posters, I have none but one Chinese friend. And he used to be my childhood neighbour for the longest time, so thank God for that. Putting it simply, for the past ten years of my life, I have made not one, not two but ZERO friends from other races.

I took a brief glance around me. Then it stumbled upon me that something was not right. Hmmm, something smells fishy but I knew not what it was. I searched and searched and searched.

Everyone look the same! Hah! Help! Screaaaam!

I've been trapped inside the box for the longest time, baby, and I want to go out! I need to. It sounded more like a desperation, I know. I was desperate for freedom. My liberalism has always been representative of my thinking but it was rarely practiced in real life.

I tell people that I embrace all sexuality but I had no gay or lesbian friends [bisexuals, of course there are some, hehe], I tell people I look beyond race but I barely have any Chinese or Indian friends. Let me tell you something honestly - I used to have this huge worry a year back on how the hell I am supposed to interact with them after I graduate since I did not have the experience of befriending them.

Man, I was like a baby who kept forcing herself to climb out of the cradle.

With all the myths injected into my brain since I was born, my guts were telling me that it might not be that safe exploring outside the box. You might get lost, strayed, deceived or harmed. Who knows what is going to happen? There was this internal strife between my very cautious guts and rebellious conscience who wants to see the world outside.

I keep asking myself - can I actually handle stuffs outside the box? Am I good enough? Am I strong enough? Am I smart enough? Do I have enough connections to prove my 'coolness'? Do I even know enough to prepare myself?

Isn't it safer to just stay within the comfort zone?

Later, I got tired troubling myself with too many questions. So I ended up stepping outside the box, anyway.

Blah, what a waste of time questioning myself...

So I went for my conscience. Then I discovered the uncomfortable guts I had weren't really guts at all - they are just paranoia mixed with cowardice - the culture of fear which taught me to be suspicion to all things I'm not familiar with. Of course still, I try to be careful in every sense but it's not good for learning, you know. Imagine our moms disallowing us from going out in fear of us having accidents. Then we won't be able to explore world and live life.

Going out MIGHT be dangerous but staying inside the house doing nothing is hardly you living at all.

So taking risks is good. It's healthy. It may be a mistake or a reward. Should it be a mistake after all, then I would prefer I discover that thoroughly from my experiences rather than listening to other people's paranoia. Let us decide for ourselves what makes us tick and what makes us happy. Through that, we are allowing ourselves to grow into a person.

So how would I describe my relationship with my box for now? Hmm... *thinks hard*

We can't really burn the box or run away from it. Whether we like it or not, society remains in existent. So the box is here to stay. But that does not mean it can't evolve, can it? And the decision to evolve it remains on us individuals. We can still decide what should come in our lives and what should leave.

Or better yet, just let everything comes in and find your true self amidst the craziness.

That, I'd call one worthy of a journey!

Learn to be shocked, awed, stoked, amazed, repulsed, impressed. Then decide for yourself whether you would want to keep such elements with you. If you do, go ahead and if you find yourself not liking it, then drop it and move on.

Or explore more shocked shits in your life.

As my favourite band, Nightwish used to sing in their song, Dead To The World;

I don't want to die a scarless man,

A lonely soul,

Tell me now what to do.

I studied silence to learn the music,

I joined the sinful to regain innocence 

But, then I've forgotten how innocence looks like, though. And I'm not missing it. Too bad.

Not that I enjoyed myself much being innocent, anyway.



Ruby Jusoh thinks BOXED! would be a cool magazine name should she wishes to publish one. She is enjoying the journey outside her box and is in the midst of planning to burn her box should it become too rotten and unbearable for mental accommodation. 

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A funny conversation I had with my dad a few days ago...

Dad:    Why are you home late?
Me:     I went to meet up with some friends.
Dad:    Where?
Me:     Jalan Klang Lama.
Dad:   *frowns a bit* That's a Chinese area.
Me:    ........................*thinking hard for a respond*............. so?