I Am A Coward

We may not seem like it but we humans are an easily scared species. Notwithstanding how strong we look, I always believe that one has that sting of fear within him or her when faced with unfavourable circumstances. We may cheat the opposite party by giving off a calm composure but the fear somehow could not be shaken off that quickly. It lingers around like a hungry ghost set to devour our emotional strength.

Okay, I know I'm being a bit overdramatic but you do get my point, right?

So what are my fears? There're a lot, of course. I am, unfortunately, a coward in many aspects of life. I'm huge in everything from body mass to voice volume but my heart so often shrinks in retreat every time I am being put to challenge. Perhaps it isn't that visible physically, but emotionally, I have found running away and escaping trouble a more preferred alternative. In other words, I am a coward.

But hell, who isn't? So let us not pretend to be heroes, shall we?

One of the biggest fear I have is not exactly a thing that can be seen or observed materially. It is more about clashes of ideas, thinking, principles and beliefs with your loved ones. If you think yourself as a human being with  your own self belief that you would uphold even in the most dire circumstances, I am sure you would find it very uncomfortable when your loved ones believe in a totally different kind of mindset - one which you would frown upon.

Easiest example - you are a humanist who judge one beyond race whereas your loved one happens to be a racial supremacist [even though he may think himself as a patriot serving the country].

It's an uncomfortable thing. And one I would like to avoid at all cost. Sadly, some of my loved ones are not that ignorant when it comes to the issue of politics, race, religions and all the sensitive stuffs which divide humans into two factions - conservative and liberal. Whilst at home, even in the midst of having dinner, I would find myself stuck in the circumstances where my loved one would argue the core principle of my belief in the concept of freedom. Yet, as he is the most superior being in my existence, I can't bring myself to go against him. My heart beats rapidly, not in that romantic kind of manner, sadly.

I would neither agree or disagree with his conservative views [conservative, from my perspective]. He talks of suspicion to others who are seemingly different from us and voices out his concern on my newly-built relationships I shared with my new friends who are of different faiths. He places the basis on his arguments based on religious teachings. And he believes himself to be right.

What am I to do? Go against him? No, can't do. Love and dependency hinders me from disappointing him by disclosing my true self. I have no intent to fight or give him any reason to worry over me.

The best that I could reply on his concern was a simple, "don't worry, I'm a grown-up," phrase.

Deep inside, I wish I have the strength to say more. To tell my loved one that I choose not to judge someone based on his race, faith or origin. Can't he let me judge such persons myself after knowing them personally?

Yet, hell, I am afraid of the prospect of him being angry and disappointed at me. So I keep quiet and try my hardest to change the subject. Because I can't conciously pretend to agree to his views.

Somehow, we allow ourselves to be hypocrites to keep our loved ones by our side. Our pretentious layers stem not out of fear of them but out of fear of dissapointing them. I may show myself to be open-minded, forward- thinking, very progressive and all to people outside but within the closed-knit community I grew up with, it's much harder being all that I want to be.

I guess I am not yet up to the challenge. One person used to praise me for upholding my principles amidst the  mostly-shallow environment I am surrounded with and for being able to see beyond the walls that have been  cornering me all these years. Little does he know that I only act as such outside the walls. Within the walls itself, I retreat to my pretentious image - the filial being who pretends to be ignorant to avoid her loved ones' disappointment.

It's a huge dilemma, is it not?

More fears are yet to come. The fear of having my loved ones see my true self would be the one I'm most anxious with. I don't dwell upon it much but it does get me nervous overtime.

So what do I do when the time finally comes? I imagine lots of things - they may scold me, frown upon me, distance themselves from me and there's a possibility I would be isolated in an instance the moment they know that my true self would be almost unbearable to tolerate.

Or perhaps I'm just over-imagining stufss? Well, who knows...

Soooo it's hard work trying to be ourselves................... But we shall never give up! *ughh, so Disney-like*


Ruby Jusoh fades into an empty shell of hollowness during the fasting month. Nothing special comes to mind except for the never-ending Korean dramas to feed her appetite. Even though her ego would never admit to this but ignorance is indeed the bliss-est bliss of them all.... Never long-lasting but still, it can make one calm and comfie for at least a brief period of time... 

 Currently watching Queen Seon Deok. Man, I've always loved historical drama with insane political twists.

Having the bitchiest of evil power hunger antagonist make the journey even more exciting...

 Long Live Lady Mishil!! hehe *But let's hope she doesn't exist in real life =,=' *