I've Sold My Soul To The Devil

And I'm not an Illuminati freak. Erk. WTH.

But I've been thinking a lot lately of the devil personification. Not the religious, spiritual or political devil, but real devils which move constantly around us today. We have to admit, we often give in towards our own daredevil-ish pleasures or pursuits.

One of them has to be MONEY. Money = wealth = stability = easy life = pleasure = EVERYTHING? Does money mean everything? Is it a material factor to be considered in our decision-making process? 

I think a lot about money. Just like oxygen, we need it. We pay every single think we contact upon with money. Being a daughter of a well-to-do father who earns quite big bucks monthly, I have never encounter any experience which severely grip my nerves on how to survive the next day penniless. I would always have money in my wallet just by asking him for some. It's an easy life, to be sure. My father is indeed my ATM machine.

I have been provided for too much in the course of my life. It is too financially easy. So much so that I worry about my own future stability - can I survive living off modest means or do I need more and more to fend for myself?

Recently, my abah [dad] gave me a new car. The latest MyVi model, at that which must have cost him around RM50,000. That's a whole lotta money - cost more than my 4-years education fees. Being youngish and not-so-much urban, I am supposed to feel so happy and glad upon the prospects of having a new ride to show off to my friends and relatives. I mean, who the hell in their right mind is unhappy after getting a new car, a free one at that?

So yes, I am not in my right mind. Why? Because two days after that, my abah told me that since he bought me a car, now I must strive to obtain a first-class degree and impliedly he wishes for me to open up a business with my sis and bro.

Ouh.

In other words, he wants me to be rich.

Of course there's obligation that comes with that friggin' new car, Ruby! Nothing in life comes for free! Maybe you don't have to pay for it in cash - your will and freedom of choice would be adequate enough.

Ouh. Again.

Another interesting conversation happened shortly after, of where I told him that...

Me: Perhaps I ought to start a law firm with my friends. Since that'll bring me more money and prestige.


Abah: What do you really want to do with your life, actually, Ruby?


Me: Well... I have certain stuffs that I really want to do in life, Abah but sadly, that line of work that I'm interested in is not that financially rewarding. So do you want me to be in a career that I'm passionate about or the one that makes me rich and filthily loaded?


Abah: Can't you have both?


Right then and there, I realized abah wants me to be rich - donned in those black and white suits, climbing the corporate ladder and strives to be someone of high prestige.

That is his vision of me. It's not like I'm gonna end up poor doing what I love to do but I'm gonna be living only in modest means. Academicians are not known as the rich lot.

So when he asked 'can't I have both' - it is an affirmation from his side that the MONEY factor cannot be excluded from the equation.

Sadly, we don't share the same ambition. My ideas of a satisfying life [in which I keep to myself since I'm trying to be a filial daughter] is to be some sort of an academician. To learn more about what I love. As I've grown, I become less ambitious. But somehow, I know myself deeper as a person - my strengths, weaknesses and what makes me happy.

But it is interesting to argue on one point - why do I care so much about abah's opinion?

Hmm... truth to be told, I keep wondering for years. I may suck at cooking, saving money, driving etc but I consult abah and try my best to follow his advice when it comes to my academic life - from what subjects should I take during my freshman year to the elective ones in the upcoming final year - all of that I decide somehow based on his approval.

Maybe because he is a fairly successful bank manager, so naturally, he knows a lot of stuffs. And I trust him for that.

Or maybe because he is my father, so in the effort to live in a delusional life where you want someone to love you enough to make decisions for you, I let my father decide what's best for me.

Or perhaps, I just feel simply burdened and guilty. Why? Because he gave me everything I need to have a comfortable live - big house, nice car, [not so] quality education, weekly allowances and every material stuffs I wish for but could not afford. He must have invested a lot in me. So, as a helpless dependent young lady without any money or property to my name at all, the least I can do to repay his sacrifices is by giving him the power to decide where I am going. To accept such benefits from him and doing nothing or going against him in return would make me feel like an ignorant ungrateful bastard. So yes, it is the least that I can do.

Nevertheless, I know what I really want in life. And I so very bad want to work hard for it. Just that, at this stage, I am very reluctant to choose the path.

It's so hard being young. You think about things that have yet to happen A LOT. Kinda stupid, is it not?

Keeping our parents' approval is indeed a continuing struggles, especially when you realize that you genuinely love them amidst the fucked-up mess they've created [of which they themselves are not aware of, most of the time. Or maybe they are just pretending not to know? Hmmm...]. Thankfully, I am not alone in this struggle. A few of my friends share the similar fate. It's not easy to keep our parents' mindsets and that of ours in the same common ground of understanding.

So I've sold my soul not exactly for money, but because I've been given too much of it. So it seems to be natural that I take over the role of gaining it back.

*sighs* now I know why they say money is the root of all evil.

 But we love it anyway, baby. We love it anyway

Ruby Jusoh is not excited at all for Hari Raya. Nothing much to look forward to, perhaps. But the travelling-with-friends plans after that really get her excited. Haaahahaha *singing happily*