a bad bad bad writer's blog has befallen me oh so cruelly these past few weeks.
Or maybe I'm just lazy.
But anyway... glad to at last have some fresh writings in my blog after five weeks 'hiatus', haha.
Do you like your parents? Do you love them? Do you enjoy their company? Do you consider them as your friends? Do you understand them? Do you adore them? Do you look up to them as demi-gods from heaven? Do you listen to their advices? And are you planning to live with them for the rest of your lives in familial content and happiness?
So many questions. Quite confusing at that. But I think it's quite natural for it to be confusing. Come to think of it, it's quite rare for one to have a good stable + healthy relationship with one's parents, especially when one is transitioning into adulthood. Indeed, most of the time, it is highly preferable to keep the parents out of the way. The general consensus would be such that life is already a mess without them. What more with them around?
I do miss my childhood at times. Feelings and emotional struggles were easily identified and the act of loving someone is not as complicated as it is now. The happiness and the innocence of the past. Too bad we can't stay as children forever.
I reached the age of twenty a few days ago. Was it good? Was it bad? How am I feeling leaving my teen years behind?
Well, not much. I was looking forward for it. Being young is not all rainbow and butterflies. At least now I have the option to tell the world [through filling the forms] that I don't belong to the age group of 15-19 no more. I am a full-fledged 'girl in her twenties'.
Oulalalalalalala!
Lots of things came to mind. It makes me ponder on my own life and the stages I am in. What matters for me most right now are my studies, my plans after graduates, my friends, myself and last but not least, my family.
But I have to be honest - I am in the most awkward of positions when it comes to the last category.
Family and transitioning into adulthood doesn't really fit together, I guess. No chemistry there. It's like an awkward relationship where you are chained to an institution which requires you to play a role shaped by somebody else. When you realize that you don't fit into that role anymore, it gets kinda unsettling. You, living your own life and at the same time pretending to pursue your parents' goals just to make them happy and keep you out of trouble.
The issue of parents-child relationship tends to bring about lengthy conversation among me and my friends everytime we hang out. If there are seven of us, there would be at least five set of hardcore parental stories to be shared - from problems with divorced parents to parents who keep comparing their children to each other.
And it was good to know that I am not the only person who's uncomfortable with my parents yet love them at the same time. So I'm not a derhaka child, right?
Right?
In my case, I am in a situation where I have discovered my own ideals in life and what I want to pursue. Sadly, it contradicts greatly with what my father wants me to be. I am not giving my desires up but I am not willing - at this stage - to tell him that I refuse to comply to his vision anymore. So I am to keep pretending - at least these two years - that I am going to be the daughter he wants me to be until that day comes. Then perhaps he'll understand.
A daughter - in my case - has many stages of life she needs to encounter with before discovering her own sense of self. I mean, how could you possibly know what you REALLY want in life after spending years worshipping and living your life for your parents? After a while, the process tends to get so tiring and you decide to take a break. Then you figure out something strangely odd - how wonderful and exciting your life can be without that parental chain of hopes tied around your ankle. So you began dreaming - silently - of a life you form with your own control.
That is the main purpose of teen depression. It sucks to be in that process of rebellion but at least you get to discover your own self. At the end of the day, you are able to grasp the sweetness of having a goal you want to achieve not for other people but for your own good.
Is it just me or I tend to sound like a motivator overtime?
Continuing on, there is a high price to pay to embark on that journey to discover yourself. It's not easy as you have been so used to living life for other people. Therefore, in the process of finding yourself, you slowly break away from the influences of your life. Since that source of influences would naturally expect you to abide to their kind of thinking as well. That sense of betrayal to where you come from is quite uncomfortable, to be honest.
Easy example - your parents may be conservative but you turn out to be quite liberal. Them: money-minded professionals and you: strangely artistic. Them: rich and you: not so rich or interested in being rich.
Those differences draw a huge distance between us and the ones we love. It's a helpless case. They preach of things we can no longer relate. At the same time, we, as children, can't bear to tell them how we truly feel out of care not to cause any fear or disagreements. So in the end, all we have is a relationship where both parties don't really talk about what they sincerely think but what they know the other party wants to hear.
You and your parent in a car. Talking and talking and talking without ever understanding. Just within thirty centimeters from each other that you've began to realize that you no longer recognize the man standing next to you. He could be your father but that is just what you call him, right? Nothing feels more foreign than being stuck in that kind of situation.
Which is the stage I am in right now.
So how should I proceed? No idea.
But one can always hope for betterment. May be one day when I am my own person of independence, I am able to approach my parents as my own honest self without any pretense. I would love to love them as myself and having them loving me as my own self, without any conditional clause such as 'I-have-to-be-the-next-Chief-Judge' or 'high-ranking-super-rich-corporate-biatch' yada yada yada.
I am sure they love me enough now. But I have yet the opportunity or courage to face them as in 'facing them and telling them who I really am and what I really want'. One day, it could happen. When I'm 25 or 35, who knows. But it will.
Not now, though.
I am not that foolish enough and I have always believe that the pursuit of freedom of self requires a slow process. A tiring one at that. Haih. *sigh*
Till then, it's a good-luck-chance for everyone... But always remember to chill and enjoy the ride. No matter how much it sucks.
Ruby Jusoh is now of the opinion that her name and low-carb diet should be in the same sentence. She knows both words can hardly stay together but there is no harm in trying. New goal - EMBASSY!!
or any other dream job that requires lots and lots of traveling, preferably outside Malaysia.
A new picture of me because I think I'm pretty...... HAHA
No comments:
Post a Comment