The moment I discovered that our sense of self could be created by how we choose to react to other people, I got nervous. It was a scary discovery. Why? Because I am a reactive person. Very. Very. Reactive.
*Shudders*
My ego is ridiculously high - that's public knowlege. And I think I suffer from this symptom called 'too-high-of-a-goddamnit-Self-Esteem', which is not good. Considering how it effects me from differentiating what is right or wrong, rational or irrational and objective or subjective. I prided myself in being a sorta outspoken lady with opinions. I love the image, I have to be honest. Makes one feel important, right? Oh, my lamentable old persona!
I have always thought my current self was indeed my real self - I mean, I thought I am a bit different from other people. But a few weeks back, a good friend of mine had told me of the possibility that perhaps most of my life principles did not stem from my true self realization and awareness and instead, stem from my negative reaction to my previous experiences.
I was a bit confused. Me? Reacting negatively?
I did not believe it at first. As I mentioned above, I was very very proud of myself. How could I possibly admit that the product of who I am today was created out of rebelliousness and in the effort of straying away from the controllers of my life?
But I knew something was a bit wrong. So I began putting things into perspective. I need to re-evaluate the things I believe or disbelieve in.
I should make a list. A long one at that.
1 - I don't believe in marriage.
Reason - My father has a second wife. My mother, as the first wife, suffered quite a bit at the earlier stages of it. She still suffers now, but not on such extreme level. Polygamy sucked, in my opinion. My parents' marriage didn't work from my perspective, so no marriage did, too. Love was soooo overrated.
Reality (that bites!) - so what if my father has a second wife? That is his business. He has the money and the 'inner strength' to do it. That doesn't mean he loves his first wife and children less. He bought his first wife a car, a house, half of his retirement account, lands, etc etc. He dislikes vacations so there's no argument there. He comes home every two days regularly. He loves my mom's cooking. He NEVER beats us. He NEVER shouts at us to the extent of us being traumatized. His voice is just commanding and that's it. He listens to us and our needs *though he often pretends not to* Is my mom content with her current life? Yes, I have to say. And both their personalities compliment each other. At times - very rare at that - I could see that tint of care, love and affection they share with each other.
Then, he goes off to his second wife's home to bear with the same headache of having a wife. Gaaah, is he not at least admirable from that perspective?
Result - So it's not marriage's fault altogether that sometimes two people are not happy with each other. It's the people itself. The ideas behind it - love, loyalty, sacrifices - are pretty decent stuffs. And I would love to experience that once in a while. Dying a virgin would be a bit........ disappointing?
So I guess I do believe in marriage - only if the partners believe in themselves more than they believe each other. And love - oh, I'm such a sentimentalist! - is a must-have ingredient, along with respect and kindness. I dislike that kind of institutionalized marriages where the society is the one who dictates how a husband/wife should act. I mean, the society is not the one having sex with them, so it's best for them to stay out of it.
2 - All men suck!
Reason - I hated my father for having a second wife. My mother is a housewife and I witnessed how she helplessly depends on my father to live - financially, socially etc etc. She is loyal, obedient, caring but I rarely see her fully happy with herself. I began to dislike women who live their lives for their husbands. I became a feminist. And I began to judge men soooooo severely even before knowing them.
Reality - Oh, c'mon, not everyone with banana sucks. Some of them are quite nice. Same goes to women - not all of us are angelic behaviors. Some of us can be quite bitchy and hormonally cruel at times. I have male friends who are respectful and nice and have known some who turn out to be rude, ignorant etc etc. Females, too. And about my parents - well, I've grown to discover that my mother serves my father not out of obedience, loyalty or fear, but because she loves him and she loves to make him happy. Period. That's it. Damn. So not dramatic. Haha.
Result - So whether one is a male, female or everything in between *winks*, it does not really matter. A P or a V won't make you a better person. Everyone deserves to be treated for their sincerity, intention, behaviours and personality rather than how they look on the outside. So yes, I am still a feminist. But being a humanist - fair one at that - is the most important of all.
3 - I Don't Want To Be A Judge - Instead, I Want to Travel Around the World
Reason - Because my dad wants me to. So, in the road on being a rebellious daughter, reaching for his dream is a no-go. I mean, what better way to make him disappointed than crashing the expectations he has upon me? To travel is to run away from home - to avoid my past, supposedly. Yup, I am still quite childish.
Reality - I used to dream about being a judge. It was a huge deal for me. Aside from the fact that my dad terribly wants to see me become one, I was attracted to the challenges, excitement and pressure the career has to offer. To become the guardian of justice [written or unwritten] is appealing. At least I know how the career works. Traveling around the world may just be a detour for me to avoid working as hard as I used to.
Result - Maybe I will end up as a judge, and maybe not. I am keeping my options open. God knows what will happen. But one thing for sure is that I am not letting my dad be an obstacle between myself and my future. He may facilitate it but to deny a great opportunity just to disappoint him seems like a reward-less thing to do.
4 - I don't need any friends. I am Better Off Alone
Reason - I was eighteen, foolishly egoistical and had just had a huge misunderstanding with my best friend. I refused to apologize and mend things up. As a result, I befriended only myself until the end of the semester. I used to remind myself repeatedly - people die alone anyway, so what's the use of friends? They are going to leave sooner or later.
Reality - Yes, we do die alone. But having trusted companion along the journey makes life worth living for. Reacting is good but it does make you ponder - would you rather win and lose your friendship or lose and win back your friendship? Death is inevitable but happiness is in our hands. Why choose misery when the latter is achievable and not that far off? As people say, "apologizing doesn't mean admitting that you're wrong - it means you value the relationship more than your ego." To have someone to talk to when we are sad, to grab us back into rationality every time we're stuck in a daze, to
Result - Life is suicidal without them. Period. No, seriously. Period.
I believe that as complex human beings that we are, the list goes on and on. However, I am too lazy to write. I want to read Jurisprudence. I love the subject despite everyone else hating it. Well, it's what I love. What can I do? And I am glad to declare that my love for Jurisprudence stems from genuine passion, not hormones reacting to a certain stimulus ie I met a hot Brad Pitt-like teaching the subject or it's an easy score.
That is me in my proactive self. My love for jurisprudence occurs because I allowed it to happen. It is a consequence of my own doing and not anyone else. That is why I feel no regret over that. The passion for the subject stays. It is me in my rational self. I don't depend on any stimulus for my love to grow.
Get what I mean? No? Hmm...
Differentiating our proactive and reactive selves is a difficult thing to do. A thin line separates both sides of the same coin. It's like separating our mental fantasy away from our real lives. The thing about reactive-ness is that it drowns you in a delusion that takes away your faculty of reasoning. You thought you were doing the right thing. In truth, you were not 'doing' - you were reacting. Your stimulus, not you, is the one in control of your actions.
The moment you realize all that, then you know you're in trouble. Ouch. So how do you break free? By claiming back your own self. It's like returning back 'home' after straying away in a strange deluded place for so long. That place might be fun and exciting but it is far from being real. You fancy yourselves accomplishing this and that when in reality, you need to work hard to acquire your sense of self and discover what you ought or ought not to do.
Haih *sighs heavily* what a serious post!
So guys, you must be....
Okay, talking about proactive, let's bring in some sexy ladies to heat up this fuzzy-fuzzy jurisprudence book. Goddamnit Juris, I love thee so passionately but thee have to stop being so cold and start talking in simpler languages.... -.-'
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Welcome back, Ruby Jusoh. You have been sorely missed.
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